ne0dym

watch as neo discovers a new blorbo in real time: constantine

10/05/2025

have you ever found yourself suddenly, unexpectedly and hilariously so down bad for a character or actor in a way that totally changes your brain chemistry? if you look at my bluesky, you'll see that as of writing this, i contracted a serious case of falling in love with Keanu Reeves, and this post is the latest symptom. more specifically, i can't stop thinking about the film Constantine (2005) and his character in it. seriously, how long has it been since i've been this obsessed with a character? and of all my interests, why is this 20 year old, 3/5 movie the one that gets an expedited special post just for it? join me in my rant about my latest fixation and maybe we'll find out!

ever since my partner and i started dating, i think i've watched more movies than in all of my life previously. at a certain point i created a list of every movie (and series) we've watched since the beginning that i can remember (and i think i haven't forgotten any), which in a bit over 3 years has already reached more than 200 lines. sometimes we watch stuff one or both of us have seen but don't really remember, sometimes it's something new to both of us, and sometimes it's something that one of us has wanted to see for a while but never got around to. the latter is the case of Constantine, the movie released in 2005 with Keanu Reeves in the titular role.

i don't know exactly when i first heard of this film, but i wanna say it's been close to 10 years (!). there's one specific thread that tied my memories together: the angel Gabriel played by Tilda Swinton. every now and then, people online would come back to that scene where Gabriel descends before the main character, and praise the angel's design and characterisation. being such a striking moment meant that scene was, for a long time, the only thing i knew about the film at all. yet despite Gabriel's stunning androgynous look greatly appealing to my baby bi ass, i somehow never got around to watching the movie they came from. so as it happens, i recently came across some post on one of the movie-centered subreddits that was similar to those i'd seen before about Gabriel, something like "i still think Constantine has one of the best portrayals of Lucifer", and that made the movie's name float around in my head.

well, last saturday night we were in a mood to watch something and since i wasn't super interested in the movie my partner pitched, i had to search through my brain for my own proposal; and then i remembered Constantine. it was supposed to be just another movie night with bf, how did it lead to the strongest blorbo fixation i've had in ages?!

as i mentioned, i didn't know anything about Constantine the movie other than super handsome genderless angel Gabriel. i did know however that it was an adaptation of a comic book because i had vaguely heard of Constantine the series before, but since i'm not familiar with or interested in the source material, the film is to me its own thing. i think today most people acknowledge that it's a poor adaptation, but quite strong in its own right, and that's what really matters to me. it was only after reading a lot of positive comments on reddit and youtube that i realised i wasn't alone in really enjoying the movie. but before and while watching it, i was still under the impression that it would be a kind of trashy but fun popcorn movie. instead, i got one of the most mecore films i've seen in a bit.

so what IS Constantine (2005)? the movie follows John Constantine, a chain-smoking exorcist with a cynical and sarcastic attitute who's dying of lung cancer and damned to hell for a past suicide attempt, as he works together with detective Angela to find out why her devout catholic twin sister Isabel committed suicide, and in the process discovering an apocalyptic conspiracy to bring Satan's child into the earthly plane. it has striking visuals and memorable performances from all the actors; overall, it's a perfectly fine and criminally underrated film. this post is gonna be a brief overview of the film and a rant about how neocore it is, how John Constantine possessed my brain, and how keanu looks absolutely drop-dead gorgeous in the role!

the original Constantine and movie Konstantine (with K for keanu) are very different characters, some key distinctions being the fact that movie John isn't a powerful sorcerer, only a man with some funny trinkets to dispel demons and a magic tattoo, and that he isn't a con-man (although he does pull some tricks on his opponents) but more of an action kinda guy. but i think what makes Konstantine so appealing to me unlike the original is his motivation: he doesn't fight supernatural entities for the thrill of it, he does it because he Knows what hell is like and desperately wants to win back God's grace by defeating Satan's minions. it's a selfish motivation, sure, but it makes him that much more interesting to me.

i'll take the liberty of paraphrasing a thread i made on bsky where i attempted to rationalise why the movie felt so neocore. here i'll remind you that i'm a freak with a sick fascination with stories that heavily draw from religious symbolism and especially catholicism, it's truly one of the things that really scratches my brain. so to me, there's a huge difference between stories where christian mythology is shown as part of the broader supernatural and occult, and stories that treat the christian cosmology and metaphysics as the "truth" of the universe, which is what i really enjoy. in the latter case, there's a spiritual and not just arcane significance to religious symbols; the forces of God and the Devil aren't just supernatural creatures but ultimate judges of morality; and aspects of christian dogma, such as sin and salvation, are treated as seriously as can be. there are occult elements in the movie for sure, but the premise is totally based on religious themes. namely, the catholic notion that suicide is a sin that leads straight to hell. it's what drives John's quest to "buy" his way into heaven, and Angela's investigation into her sister's death. a solid example of how the story is religiously motivated is early in the movie when John meets with Gabriel to plead his case, asking "haven't I served Him enough? what does He want from me?". when Gabriel answers "self-sacrifice, belief", he claims that he does believe in God, prompting the angel to say "no, you Know, there's a difference". then after a brief outburst, Constantine dejectedly wonders if he's damned because of his spiritual failings. it should be clear now why the film really resonated with my interests.

now let's get this out of the way. i'd never been a keanu fan: the only movies with him that i knew were The Matrix 1 and John Wick 1, both of which i'd only seen once way back in 2019. i could see that he'd become the internet's new favourite guy thanks to his wholesome public image and appearances on hugely popular media such as john wick and cyberpunk 2077, but from what i'd seen and heard, i didn't feel so attracted to him and nor did i think he was a particularly good actor. oh keanu, perhaps i've treated you too harshly. i have spent every moment of the entire past week swooning over this man.

as with many of my blorbos, i was initially drawn to Konstantine for the whump he endures throughout the film, but especially at the end. John asks God for help in stopping Gabriel from unleashing the antichrist, but after getting no answer, he realises there's one more guy he can ask. knowing Satan would come to collect his soul in person when he dies, John slits his wrists as a desperate last resort. as i said in my bsky right after finishing the movie, i love when characters are at the brink of death and all woozy, weak and pliable, and gosh he looks... so hot dying lol. that part in the film is entirely responsible for flipping the baby keanu (actually 30's to 40's) attractiveness switch for me.

in that same scene i mentioned earlier where Konstantine confronts Gabriel, the angel states that everything John has ever done was only for himself. with this in mind, one could argue that when John asks Lucifer to spare Isabel's soul instead of his own, he knew it would be such a monumental act of selflessness that it might finally earn him a place in heaven. but as usual, i prefer a more charitable interpretation. i think it was a genuine act of self-sacrifice, that in that moment he had finally let go of himself and simply wanted to do one last good thing for someone he'd grown to care about. however one interprets his motivation though, he did ultimately earn God's grace back. in the novelisation, it's written right there that it was actually God giving Satan the middle finger. this man did NOTHING wrong. except smoke a hell of a lot. speaking of which, when Lucifer holds Konstantine back and plunges ethereal hands into his chest to remove his cancer, as John's face contorts in screaming agony and his legs flail around, that's another prime whump feast for the neodymium.

over the next days i found myself rapidly falling in love with Konstantine. i could barely sleep because i couldn't stop thinking about him. i wasn't alone, of course; there are many people online who also find him interesting (and attractive), but it felt special to me to have a random new blorbo from an underappreciated movie from 20 years ago that hardly anyone talks about. in a way, it's kind of liberating. i can talk about and thirst for this man as much as i want and no one else cares!

my Konstantine moment took a pause as i turned my attention to another baby keanu media: The Matrix. i'd seen only the first film before and i remember enjoying it, but never really thought much about it afterwards. yet motivated by a newfound love for keanu reeves and excited to revisit the 1999 masterpiece through my baby budding cinephile lens, i finally rewatched The Matrix, and gained a whole new level of appreciation for it. with a little push from my friend Cat, i then went on to watch the original sequels for the first time, which i overall enjoyed a lot too. there's a lot to be said about the series, but it feels like such a "sacred" piece of cinema that i can't bring myself to taint it with my basic ass opinions. i'm just gonna say that Neo is the coolest character in cinema history, whose journey is relatable under so many different lenses, and while i didn't pick my name because of them, i'm glad to have this connection.

once i was ready to return to my wife John Konstantine, i first checked out the deleted scenes from the movie. there are two that i think are worth mentioning. in one of them, John has just slept with a demon girl called Ellie, who mocks him for having terminal lung cancer and tells him Satan himself would come to collect his soul. she appears in other scenes, but in order to make John seem more lonely she was basically entirely cut out of the film, which makes me feel bad for the actress. the other deleted scene that stuck with me is when John and Angela find Beeman dead and he tries to use the magic symbol on his arms to reveal the culprit, chanting "into the light I command thee", but fails to fully channel the spell due to his weakening health, and he stumbles away, coughing. i think cutting this was a massive mistake, because when he does it later on after Chas's death it sort of feels like it came out of nowhere, so this bit would've set it up for a stronger payoff, but also because he looks so damn hot in that part. i wish there was a high quality version of these scenes online!

at this point, i was fully on Konstantine fangirl mode and the only thing that would sate my thirst was consuming every frame of him in the highest possible quality. so i grabbed a 4K download off the internet and proceeded to spend the next several hours going through the movie and capturing my favourite shots of him. it was only a partial rewatch, but seeing it in a quality far superior to the streaming platform, with HDR colours that really popped, i was able to appreciate the cinematography and colour palette a lot more. i ended up with around 150 photos adding up to more than 3GB, but since i wanted to post them on bsky, i had to greatly narrow down that selection. the resulting "prettyboy John Constantine" thread was still very long, with 56 images in 14 posts, and you can find it here!

prior to this i'd never found keanu reeves super attractive, but i've identified the reason: it's because in his more recent appearances he has a longer haircut that i don't like very much. the beard is okay, but i definitely prefer his clean-shaven, short-haired look that he rocked when he was younger. his voice however is really pleasant to hear, getting deeper over the years but remaining just as soft. i think i'll watch sonic 3 just to hear him as shadow.

guys. John Konstantine just looks so fuckin good i can't believe it. his face is literally so fine (his nose, mouth, that incredible jawline and chin, his pretty eyes with dark circles around 'em, the unkempt black hair, the eyebrows with a little gap), his outfit is simple but iconic (definitely prefer his monochrome palette to original Constantine's) and that black coat looks so good on him. there's a specific moment in the movie where the combo looks + voice gives me butterflies: at the beginning when he arrives to exorcise a demon and leans in very close to whisper "this is Constantine. John Constantine." like, can he do that to me please? i need this man in every way imaginable. to quote from my bsky again, Konstantine quit smoking, that's bad for you. do weed with me instead.

okay, now that that's out of my system let's go back to the character himself. there's the scene where Angela is preparing to go in the bathtub for the hell trip ritual, and she asks if she should take the rest of her clothes off. my boy John just stands there, staring and thinking, for a good twenty seconds before saying she can keep them on. on my first watch i thought that was hilarious, but after seeing a couple of tumblr posts claiming him as autistic/aroace coded, i'm electing to go with that interpretation. there are indeed a few other moments in the film where Angela seems a bit flirtatious and it just goes right over his head. so i'm glad the post sex with demon scene got cut; this man does not fuck. another evidence to support that characterisation is that his friend Beeman is also clearly autistic and ya know, ND people tend to gravitate towards one another.

Chas is pretty cute and i like his interactions with Konstantine. like when Chas helps John to repel Mammon, getting a genuine compliment from his mentor which he feels so proud of. but before he can finish saying his own take on John's catchphrase which he'd practised at the beginning, he gets attacked by an unseen force. as the kid lies dying, John has this heartbreaking expression of guilt for letting his young assistant die, and the guilt combined with rage at whoever did that to his "very appreciated apprentice" gives him the strength to finally channel the revealing spell he failed to cast earlier, when he found another friend's dead body. Konstantine seems like a big loner most of the time but he did have some close allies, and now they were all dead. poor John. in the post-credits scene, he visits Chas's grave and leaves his trusty lighter there, offering some final words of praise "you did good, kid", proof that after realising he has the ability to care for other people, he's becoming a better man.

i'm not usually attracted to cynical assholes like Constantine, and i likely wouldn't have enjoyed the movie as much if it was a faithful adaptation of the comic (just going off of what little i know of the character), but as the story moves forward, John ends up becoming more of a good guy than perhaps even he thought himself capable of, with the aforementioned self-sacrifice and his decision to quit smoking after getting a new shot at life. and i totally fuck with this character development. i wonder what he got up to after the film's events, and if he'll still go to heaven in the end. i really think he should get a cat. he was already so cute in the film with Angela's kitty, imagine him with his own kitty. in his own words, cats are good.

the timing of me watching this film is funny, as just this year there was some confirmation that a sequel is in the works (after 20 years!). i hope they stay in line with the original movie, and that keanu keeps his damn hair short. i'll definitely be keeping it on my radar.

to conclude this already long post that had no business existing in the first place, Constantine (2005) is now one of those comfort movies i will always keep coming back to when i want a fix of religious themes and whump, and John Konstantine is my new blorbo i will rotate in my head like a microwave and put through many situations with sick/loving satisfaction. it's good to finally check out a movie you've wanted to see for so long, because sometimes it might just be the thing that scratches your brain in all the right places, and it's just out there waiting for you to grab it.